Dealing with grief

Today I wanted to something a little different. This is going to be a very personal blog post of mine but I feel like it's a good thing to share. 

Disclaimer: I am not looking for sympathy or anything just wanting to give people in similar situations acknowledgement that they are not alone. 

Little background - My parents were divorced, since 2008. My dad was my best friend and he was the person I went to for everything (even boy talk). 

March 25th 2015 is the day I lost my dad. That day I went to my first university open day in Cardiff University. I had had the best day and was so excited to go home and phone my dad to tell him about it after he had finished work. 

But I didn't get the chance.

At around 7 pm my dad’s girlfriend rang my mum asking if she had seen him (When they argued he would come over ours) to which my mum answered no, so she phoned him and got no answer. At this point we were all panicking. My mum having a level head said she would phone the hospitals and the police to find out if someone with his name had come in. 

Then my sister walked in following the end of her shift at our local Tesco. She had heard that there had been a crash near where he lived, but we found out it only involved cars (he drove a motorbike).To this news we were relieved. 

But then we got a phone call, from his girlfriend. My mum ushered me to go upstairs, so I took my niece and my brother upstairs. To this I kind of presumed what had happened. He was in a crash. But still not hearing anything I hoped for the best. 

A few minutes later my mum opened my bedroom door and just said two words. 

"I'm sorry"

I knew in that moment that he was gone. That I would never hear his voice again, never see his face, never give him a hug or a kiss.

I just sat there and burst into tears. It was the worst day of my life. I had lost my best friend, my dad and nothing could be done. I still clung onto the hope that they got it wrong and that he was alive just somewhere else. But after my mum and sister went to identify him I knew it was true. 

That day I play over and over in my head, thinking if I had phoned him before he left work would be still is here. 

A week later my grandad died, he was my dad's dad of cancer no one knew he had (even him).

When someone dies people say a lot of stuff to like 'it’ll get easier' or 'he's in a better place'. But this doesn't help. It doesn't get easier you just learn to deal with it. And my dad didn't go to a better place.

These events nearly broke me. I was 16 without a dad, without my best friend and trying to A-levels. I have anxiety and this gradually became worse as I wouldn't talk to anyone. I was not in a good place.

I learnt to cope with it by doing a lot of different things. I know it sounds counterproductive as you want to forget that it's happened but doing things like the following will help you remember the good times and how much you loved the person. And believe me, you want to try and not cry but it does do you the world of good when you do. 

Firstly, I put pictures of him in places I would see, for example my bedside table, I put a picture of me and him at Paignton zoo from when I was little. I put photo frames up on shelves and had Polaroid’s made.
I also surrounded myself with things that reminded me of him, for example, his aftershave, a teddy he got me when I was born, his baseball cap he wore every day and various other objects.
I also wear a necklace that he gave me, it’s a four leaf clover as my Nan on his side was Irish and I like to acknowledge that. I also wear the promise ring he gave to my mum, and his watch (which now needs a battery change)

By doing these things I still keep him a part of my life and also keep his memories fresh in my mind and him close to my heart.

If you have lost someone and you are struggling please know that you are not alone, and please talk to someone if you are beginning to feel like you are alone and that you are becoming depressed or isolated. I had all of these feelings and the best thing I did was write my mum a letter telling her how I was feeling as I just hurt too much to say the words out loud. 

Give yourself some you time to relax and just chill out. Also, have that time of the day, week, and month where you just sit and think about the person you have lost. Doing this will help you to think about them without thinking about how they died and just think about the good times you shared, or the bad times that seem so pointless now (the bad times I had with my dad I look back on and regret but they also make me laugh as to why they even happened).


If you would like to contact me for more help or to discuss this subject please go to the contacts page and see the many ways you can contact me or leave a comment.
Sophie May
xoxo

This is the picture I have on my bedside table. 

This is the bear my dad got me when I was born, the t-shirt is one of my dads t-shirts (huge England supporter)

  

This is a picture of my dad holding me the day I was born. 22 May 1998

My dad and I at a wedding about five years ago.